Published Aug 16, 2014
You love nature. You're in Alberta, Canada. You decide to go for a walk in the woods with an older gentleman and a female companion.
You park in a secure area. You lock your car. You cross a well-built bridge over a rushing stream.
You take the well-marked trail, not far from civilization. You are one with nature.
You don't see the yellow signs warning you about LIONS & TIGERS & BEARS because you are totally in "Frolic in the Woods" mode.
Besides, what could possibly go wrong? In the woods of Alberta, Canada, in an area with BIG YELLOW SIGNS warning you to BEWARE OF WILDLIFE.
To you, wildlife is an extra-inning game of beer pong or listening to a musician with more tattoes than Queequeg and more piercings than an amateur taking on Zorro in a sword fight.
Then ... a bear appears. An aggressive bear. Stalking you.
You survey the danger. You figure you can outrun the old guy, but you really like the lady you're with ... besides, bears only eat one person at a time. Your adrenaline begins to rush as you ramp into SURVIVAL MODE!
You know EXACTLY what to do!! You video the bear with your cell phone!
You freak out and try to negotiate with the wild bear -- in English. "You have to let us go today ... for the Buffalo." Hoping, probably, to confuse the bear to death.
The bear, however, ain't skeered. He runs up a few trees, just to show you that he can. In case you thought climbing a tree would be a WONDERFUL way to outsmart a bear with 42" claws and 829,663 sharp teeth.
You pick up a couple of small rocks (with the hand not holding the camera) and tell your cohorts you need to "knock the bear out" without realizing how amazingly stupid that will sound to you (and us) later.
After the bear goes into "Ramming Mode" and toys with you a few times -- like children moving peas on their plates before finally wolfing them down. You don't understand that your pleas to "leave us alone ... we don't have anything" don't register with a wild animal in his own habitat.
Hello??? This is a bear, not some random gangsta lost in the woods wearing a red/blue/white doo-rag.
You choose the best course of action: ditch the old guy and run for the car. While making a video of your emergency egress.
You breathlessly reach your car, neatly parked in an empty lot. You huff out a few cuss words. The old guy catches up, wondering if he should call his lawyer on the way home to cut you out of his will or wait until the next day.
Sweet dreams, hikers.
Please Note: Survival Boy cuts a few choice cuss words when he returns to his car. If hearing them will offend you, please pause the video when the car comes into sight. Honest.
Tags: Attractions, Appalachian Trail, Hiking, News, and Robert Sutherland Travel Writer
Published Sep 18, 2013.
Published Jul 12, 2013.
Watching the 10 Best Appalachian Trail Movies is much easier on your wallet, feet, career and relationships that hiking the Trail from Georgia to Maine.
Published Jul 23, 2012.
The Forest Service's Bear Necessities for safety in the woods include not leaving food outside and what to do if you encounter a bear in the woods.
Bear encounters can be pleasant or dangerous. The Vermont Fish & Wildlife Department has safety tips about what to do if you meet Yogi on the trail.
Published Nov 12, 2013.